Wide Awake in Wonderland

We’re only dancing on this earth for a short while

Protected: I’m sick of this…so you’re probably totally over it July 28, 2008

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Young, Dumb, Poor…and Woefully Unprepared June 29, 2008

A couple months ago, I was hanging out with a friend on a Saturday night. Actually, this is the same friend who gave me a copy of Care of the Soul, and she will appear again, as I am launching my trip with a week with her and her husband in Iceland. But I’m getting ahead of myself… Crissy and I were talking about travel that we’d done, and how simplifying your life to just a backpack and a train pass can make things clear. Like a vision quest without the psychedelic drugs (or not, depending upon who you know and how easygoing you are about such things). As we talked, I started reminiscing about some of the crazier things that happened to me while I was in Europe way back when, and when I got home that night, the seedling of the idea had taken root. The next day I went to Costco to get some bread and fruit. On my way to the checkout lanes, in order to avoid the perennial traffic jam of people waiting in lines five-deep for a scrap of microwaved chimichanga, I took the shortcut through the book section. And what to my wandering eye should appear, but copies of Let’s Go Western Europe AND Let’s GoEastern Europe. How’s that for a sign from above? Costco!?!? I mean, WTF!?!? From that moment, the trip seemed like destiny.


Meanwhile, back to 1992, after realizing I had no idea who I was without David and with no real plan for the rest of my life, had determined to backpack Europe and see what happened. I had saved a semi-respectable amount of money from working two concurrent jobs during the school year and three lifeguard jobs that summer. Thus, I started calling travel agents – this being the era before Expedia and Travelocity – to find the cheapest flight to England. My dad, it should be noted, was not amused. I’m sure he was simply worried that I’d be abducted or worse, but he manifested that concern as anger and a wee bit of condescension. I could be wrong, this was a long time ago, but I believe his parting words to me were (more or less), “They’re going to eat you alive.”


In a way, he was right. For reasons I cannot explain – beyond the influence of Santa Cruz and my total obsession with Joni Mitchell –  the only items I brought consisted of the following:

1.   A pair of army green hiking boots. I won’t even try to make this sound fashionable, because they weren’t.

2.   Three tie-dye skirts in Jamaican flag, banana split, and Minnesota Vikings. I’m pretty sure the red/yellow/green one was responsible for ruining every other piece of clothing laundered with it.

3.   A pair of Osh Kosh B’Gosh overalls in train conductor stripe. One of my roommates at UCSC had gotten a job at the Osh Kosh B’Gosh, and for some reason (collective madness, most likely) we all bought a pair of one of the only things they made for adults – the overalls. These were the ONLY bottoms with legs (meaning only thing that was not a skirt) I had the entire time.

4.   A nice navy blue sweater with a white section with flowers that my great Aunt Margaret bought me at a mall in Ebensburg. (I wish I had a picture of this. I may have to cook up some rudimentary drawings for you guys. Don’t expect too much: I still color like a talented second grader, and my primary medium is crayon. However, so long as your expectations are appropriately low, I’m not half bad.) Back to the sweater, my grandmother had died earlier that winter, and this was the only shopping trip I ever took with my great aunt. I have a vague recollection that she was extremely worried about my upcoming trip. That side of my family were worriers in the first place, but I think I would actually classify her mood that afternoon as *deeply* worried. Bear in mind, her sister (my grandmother) never even flew on a plane in her entire lifetime. The idea of a 19-year old going to Europe with no plan, no friends, no money, and no brains must have been horrifying.

5.   A yellow velvet tuxedo jacket (outfitted with a large blue and white flower pin) picked up at a used clothing store in Santa Cruz.

6.   A variety of hippie t-shirts including, but not limited to: ‘Bread Not Bombs’, Grateful Dead ‘Frosted Freaks’, ‘War is Not Good for Children or Other Living Things,’ and ‘I survived the Reagan era’ (with a drawing of Ronnie riding a nuke). Is it any wonder the Japanese would take pictures of me??? All of these shirts were either pinky gray or murky gray within weeks, thanks to my cost-saving habit of laundering everything in one load.

7.   A VERY cheap external frame backpack (also in army green, to match the shoes.) upon which I had cut out and sewn felt flowers. Sad, but true.

8.   A bottle of Dr. Bronner’s Miracle Soap in peppermint

9.   A copy of Let’s Go Europe

10.   The world’s largest paperback copy of James Joyce’s Ulysses – a door stop, if ever there were.

11.   A large bag of trail mix from the bulk section of the Pathmark grocery store in my hometown.

12.   A Eurail pass and $300 USD (As a side note, this was not 1942, but 1992. $300 was as paltry as it sounds!)


As for my personal appearance, I’d been working as a lifeguard, so my hair was particularly blond. It was also very long and – in keeping with what was hip, or at least I thought was hip, at the time – the entire underside were dreadlocks wrapped in colored thread. I’m not sure how to explain this: At some point the previous winter I had braided the underside of my hair into a dozen small braids and wrapped those in cross-stitch thread. Every inch or so, I’d change colors. After a while, as it kept growing, I kept wrapping the new stuff. Lo and behold, the new stuff  became dread locks. I honestly don’t know if this (the string) was some kind of fashion, or just some weird thing I dreamt up. Anyway, those beauties were waist-length.


Speaking of which, I just now had an insight as to why all through my senior year of high school (when the Age of Aquarius really took hold of me), my dad would ask with concern, “Are the other kids wearing that???” Sadly, with extraordinarily rare exception, the answer was pretty much “no”.


In short, as I departed for what would ultimately be eight months in Europe, I was young, dumb, poor, and woefully unprepared for what lay ahead. Simply put, I was a hippie hot mess.





There is more to life than increasing its speed June 26, 2008

Filed under: Self-analysis — wideawakeinwonderland @ 4:40 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,
Not only is this true, it’s attributed to Mohandas (a.k.a. Mahatma) Gandhi, which no doubt gives it additional import. As a little educational tidbit for you, I just looked up and learned that Mahatma (in Sanskrit it’s महात्मा) means “Great Soul”. Anyway, the quote is not only profound, it’s also very poignant to me at the moment, as it’s something I’m struggling terribly with. Actually, I’m in a weird place because I have achieved extreme awareness – awareness about so many things we value in the world that are total bullshit, awareness that I’m a completely stressed out, multi-tasking fool who gets more done than six people, but often doesn’t really achieve much of any real importance, awareness of how I drive my own blood pressure up trying to be all things to all people, awareness of how pretty much no one else is aware and are even a little freaked out about where my head is at lately, and awareness that I’m ready to get off the merry-go-round for once and for all. However, it’s like a bad habit. It has to be replaced with new practice and unlearned.
Meanwhile, I think I finally figured out how I could own “The 4-Hour Workweek” for six months and never even pick it up. The cover – despite a glowing review and a “#1 Wall Street Journal Bestseller” stamp – features a drawing of a dude lounging in a hammock between two palm trees. Couple that with the subtitle, “Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich,” and I was pretty sure this was some schlock about selling your every asset, buying a shack on a coast somewhere that the economy is all whacked and the dollar is still strong in comparison, and just getting by selling friendship bracelets (imported from China) to tourists.
However, as I mentioned yesterday, it’s not. Not at all. Rather, it’s a great book that’s really inspired me and is causing me to totally rethink my ideas of what it means to “work”, how much (how many hours) one must log in order to consider it “work”, enjoying valuable and fulfilling uses of time versus squandering it to help someone else achieve their dream, completely reinventing my lif and how I live it, and outsourcing mundane tasks to personal assistants in India. All this, and I’m only on page 156!

Moving right along, and on a totally unrelated note, have you found that the personified message on the Taco Bell hot sauces make you feel kinda bad about tearing them open? I had one today that said, “Ooh! Ooh! I call the glove compartment!” and I thought, “Oh no you don’t, my friend. You’re about to be slathered onto a bean burrito,” and the fact that I was dialoguing with the thing suddenly made me feel kind of sorry about ending its life. Extreme anthropomorphism: Quite possibly the first clear sign that I’m losing my mind…

In other news, something VERY VERY VERY exciting has happened. I got my first comment! And from a real person! (not an online poker site) And not one that I already know or paid to chime in! AND on a topic that I mentioned (Thomas Moore) and have some real interest in! Hopefully this will allay all the strange dreams I’ve been having, seemingly taunting myself about the fact that no one is reading this. The latest was that every time I went to my physical therapist’s office there was a sign on his outdoor billboard with the url of a blog they were endorsing. He doesn’t actually have one of these, but if you can picture what’s outside of most fast food joints (that they update once in a while by placing the individual letters with the long pole), it was like that. Anyway, I’d been going by there for days and seeing this lady’s blog being promoted, and feeling a little bit jealous. Then I showed up and – lo and behold – it had MY url up there, even though I’d never even told him it. I was a immediately a little bit panicked, but quickly thought, “Hey! I may finally get some readership!”

Hmmm…  Maybe I should go around to the local joints with nothing interesting on their signs (like the Royal Scot motel up the road that has “Canadians Welcome” and a whole lot of blank space) and see if they wouldn’t do me a solid? On the other hand, does anyone besides me read those? (Although, admittedly, I’m usually editing and scanning for grammatical or spelling errors). Perhaps if I offered six months of free proofreading of future signs instead? See, it’s just this kind of out of the box, entrepreneurial, and somewhat wacko thinking I am evolving toward thanks to Timothy Ferriss and his 4-Hour Workweek!!


Running to Stand Still June 16, 2008

Filed under: Self-analysis — wideawakeinwonderland @ 9:43 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been reading this book – ‘What to Do With the Rest of Your Life’ – about finding or creating the “job of your dreams”. The author challenges you to come up with a list of things you enjoy, and then pare it back to things you love, and then hone that to four or five things you wouldn’t mind talking about, thinking about, learning about, and doing for the rest of your life. That last element makes provides the “Whoa, Nelly!” factor, but I’m pretty sure my list is:

  • Writing
  • Cooking
  • Dogs
  • Philosophy/”The meaning of life”/therapy in that vein
  • Health/Exercise

I’ve nixed dogs and health on the impracticality factors of one and likely poverty of the other. I’m probably too old to go to med school or start a decorated career as a personal trainer. Similarly, I know some wonderful and dedicated people that have helped me train my dogs…and it’s pretty apparent that they just scrape by. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you can have a remarkable and fulfilling life despite ‘just scraping by’ where salary is concerned, I just figure if you’re going to bother to dream big, you may as well start out with the bar a little bit higher than that.

I went for a long run today and was thinking about this “carpe diem” pressure some of us put on ourselves (such as me on myself!): The call or challenge to make every moment matter and live as if this were the last day of your life and if you can dream it, you can do it kind of stuff.  I think, in the mix of being a very sick and twisted society ripe with celebrity adoration, breast implants, reality TV, and athletes making millions of dollars a year while so many people can’t even claw their way above the poverty line, we’ve also created this culture – or at least expectation – of super lives. Look at me, I’m doing it all, and I lost 15 pounds, and I have my own line of frozen cuisine and high heels coming out in the fall!

However, I think in the big picture, it’s not so important to be jumping out of airplanes and have a reality TV show focused on you and fill every single second with really cool, enviable things, as to try to find a way to spend less of your time doing things that don’t matter to you, that don’t make you one bit happier, or that really add no value to your life or anyone else’s. If you look at other cultures, there doesn’t seem to be the zeal to live in multi-million dollar houses or walk red carpets or have everyone else agree that you’re beautiful and extraordinary. In fact, having dedicated rather too much time to wanting everyone else to agree that I’m something special, I can see how empty – and strangely not healing – it is. Even when you get there, it doesn’t work.

With that in mind, my list takes on new meaning. If I were to try to find a way to bridge some middle ground between things I enjoy enough to possibly dedicate a sizable chunk of every day to them and NOT fill the rest of my life up trying to achieve some kind of societally assigned status, chase material things, and worry about what everyone else thinks…then I’d really be onto something.