Okay, please tell me I’m not the only one who practices talking to Oprah or thinks about what song Paul Shaffer might play when I walk out onto the stage on Letterman? How about answering James Lipton’s questions (despite having neither acting talent nor any real desire to act)? My favorite word is believe and my least favorite word is cockroach, I love the sound of the ocean and the cello (it’s a mood thing and thus a tie), and hate the sound of sandpaper, and I would never want a career as a rodeo clown. I have decided I will definitely NOT jump on Oprah’s couch – Most likely not. Probably not. – and I hope they play “American Woman” or something with a good bass line.
Although this is admittedly delusional, I guess I have not yet given up hope that I will write a book so impressive (or do SOMETHING so impressive – maybe even just the best stupid human trick ever?) that these things will happen. Nonetheless, I am willing to concede that there are some demographics and disciplines in which I will never be a star. Thus, I offer up the definitive list of magazines that I am pretty damn sure will never put me on the cover:
Ebony
Knives Illustrated
American Snowmobiler
Popular Mechanics
Bird Dog and Retriever News
O (She doesn’t let anyone else on the cover, right? But perhaps I can be the exception?)
Progressive Railroading
Cat Fancy (at least I hope not)
Grief Digest (ditto)
Essence
Waterfowler
Jewish Living
American Handgunner
Supermodels Unlimited
Classic Toy Trains
Skin & Ink
Jet
Gun and Garden (I’m not making this up – for those of you who like to plant flowers and then go shoot something, there’s a magazine with your name on it!)
Shark Diver
Transworld Skateboarding
Barely Legal
Hustler
Swank
Otherwise, give me a call. I aim to please.
Lastly, for those of you so inclined, consider answering the following (and I promise to show you mine if you show me yours). The James Lipton (Inside the Actors Studio) ten questions (delivered with giggle-inducing gravitas) are:
1. What is your favorite word?
2. What is your least favorite word?
3. What turns you on?
4. What turns you off?
5. What is your favorite curse word?
6. What sound or noise do you love?
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Wide Awake in Wonderland 