Wide Awake in Wonderland

We’re only dancing on this earth for a short while

Magazines whose covers I will never grace November 8, 2008

 

Okay, please tell me I’m not the only one who practices talking to Oprah or thinks about what song Paul Shaffer might play when I walk out onto the stage on Letterman? How about answering James Lipton’s questions (despite having neither acting talent nor any real desire to act)? My favorite word is believe and my least favorite word is cockroach, I love the sound of the ocean and the cello (it’s a mood thing and thus a tie), and hate the sound of sandpaper, and I would never want a career as a rodeo clown. I have decided I will definitely NOT jump on Oprah’s couch – Most likely not. Probably not. – and I hope they play “American Woman” or something with a good bass line.

 

Although this is admittedly delusional, I guess I have not yet given up hope that I will write a book so impressive (or do SOMETHING so impressive – maybe even just the best stupid human trick ever?) that these things will happen. Nonetheless, I am willing to concede that there are some demographics and disciplines in which I will never be a star. Thus, I offer up the definitive list of magazines that I am pretty damn sure will never put me on the cover:

 

Ebony

Knives Illustrated

American Snowmobiler

Popular Mechanics

Bird Dog and Retriever News

O (She doesn’t let anyone else on the cover, right? But perhaps I can be the exception?)

Progressive Railroading

Cat Fancy (at least I hope not)

Grief Digest (ditto)

Essence

Waterfowler

Jewish Living

American Handgunner

Supermodels Unlimited

Classic Toy Trains

Skin & Ink

Jet

Gun and Garden (I’m not making this up – for those of you who like to plant flowers and then go shoot something, there’s a magazine with your name on it!)

Shark Diver

Transworld Skateboarding

Barely Legal

Hustler

Swank

 

Otherwise, give me a call. I aim to please.

 

Lastly, for those of you so inclined, consider answering the following (and I promise to show you mine if you show me yours). The James Lipton (Inside the Actors Studio) ten questions (delivered with giggle-inducing gravitas) are:

1. What is your favorite word?

2. What is your least favorite word?

3. What turns you on?

4. What turns you off?

5. What is your favorite curse word?

6. What sound or noise do you love?

7. What sound or noise do you hate?

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

9. What profession would you not like to attempt?

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

 

 

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3 Responses to “Magazines whose covers I will never grace”

  1. Maxxy Says:

    But surely ” Knives Illustrated ” would show off your dorment Ninja Skills no ?? Likewise for ” Gun & Garden “, I can just see you dumping a load of lead into a dozen bad guys whilst simultaneously attending to your rose garden.

    As to the questions :

    1. Doobrey ( probably spelt many other ways too ). Often used in place of ojects that you can’t remember the name of. ie ” Could you pass me the……doobrey “.

    2. Work – It’s a four letter foul word that never fails to invoke feelings of lethargy and loathing.

    3. Lots of things, I’m easily pleased.

    4. Smokers.

    5. The C word said with vigour, used sparingly.

    6. The sea. Probably THE most relaxing sound ever.

    7. Nails on a blackboard ( thankfully I don’t really get to hear that very often…..if at all actually )….

    8. Rock Star.

    9. Anything involving heights.

    10. ” Hey Dude, the keyboatd’s on stage and the crowd’s waiting……”

  2. james lipton Says:

    […] Oprah, Paul Shaffer, Supermodels Unlimited ? Okay, please tell me I??m not the only one who practicehttps://wideawakeinwonderland.wordpress.com/2008/11/08/magazines-whose-covers-i-will-never-grace/YouTube – Geico w/ James Liptonnew Geico ad with james lipton of Actors Studio. So funny.Directed by […]

  3. wideawakeinwonderland Says:

    Good call on Knives Illustrated! Once I get numb to the violence (a flinching, 20-minute intitiation period that is necessary every time), I do enjoy those “Kill Bill” bad @ss female swordplay movies. Screw writing. My calling might be trained assassin…

    As for James Lipton, I just went ahead and made a page with my answers. If you wanted to copy/paste yours there, that would be super cool. Thanks for playing! 😉


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