Dear Readers, I need your help! But the best kind of help…the kind that´s easy!
So you know that ridiculous e-mail you get every four months? It’s about seven years old, and claims that if you forward it to everyone you know, Microsoft will pay you $300 OR the Dalai Lama will bless you, your wife will come back, and every scratch card will be a winner for three to 60 days (depending upon how many people you send the nonsense onto)?
Well, I’ve considered starting one of those, but have decided instead to just flat out ask for your help.
Partly this is because any effort I make to start a viral e-mail will probably fail. Sure, I’ve got a handful of acquaintances who forward every damn thing they get and some good ideas involving promises of blessings and good fortune (and a little threat of irreparable harm seems to help those along), but mostly my friends are flaky. I know this because of a recipe exchange last spring. The rules were: ‘Send a recipe to the person at the top of this list, and then send 20 of your friends the e-mail of the person that sent this to you. In a week, you’ll get 150 recipes!” I did this, and just to be thorough, I sent the name to 25 of my flaky friends. (You know who you are). And in six months, I’ve gotten two recipes.
I blame my (probably now deleting my number from their cell phones) friends. Clearly they are the weak link. Or they’re friends with even weaker links. Or maybe I am my friends’ only friend. Whatever. They blew it.
Anyway, it’s like this: I did a little math on the train today, and I have 28 days left. Wasn’t 28 Days the name of a horror movie about flesh eating zombies? BAD SIGN.
Whenever I get a ominous harbinger, I like to spring into action, and this action requires your help: I need to reach people in publishing, editing, television, soft porn (I require the same lighting and ‘fuzzy focus’ as Heather Locklear and a body double), or WHATEVER, to let them know I exist, and I am here to write for them or travel for them or author their blog or do whatever it takes to change careers into something creative. I’m not super picky about how that manifests, so long as it pays really, really well.
And in order to to get the attention of the important people with the fat wallets and the publishing contracts or travel writing jobs (I’m digging the idea, Maxxy!) or whatever, I’d like to ask for a wee, tiny favor. Over the weekend, would you take five minutes to tell five of your friends about this blog? Or ten of your friends if you’d like to be regularly mistaken for George Clooney and/orHeidi Klum. Or twenty friends if you’re interested in winning a Rolls Royce…
(Send me a stamped, self-addressed envelope and $10 if you’d like to hear the complete list of great imaginary prizes!)
Moreover, if you have friends or relatives or ‘frienemies’ in the industries listed above (a.k.a. people who might pay me to write or travel or eat strange things or give Pygmies haircuts or look at disturbing Austrian penis art or author their blog), all the better!! And if you have anything to do with Oprah (the holy grail) or David Sedaris (my hero), then may the road rise to meet you and the wind always be at your back. Also, I only speak English, but I’m sure the Italians can figure out how to dub me, so I’m willing to work there as well.
To help make this request a little simpler, I’ve taken the liberty of writing the e-mail for you. So all you have to do is cut and paste. I also give you full permission to edit (if you insist, Picky Pants).
Subject: MESSAGE FROM GOD
If you consider me your god. Which would be pretty cool.
I know we haven’t spoken since I accidentally killed your geriatric parakeet, Stella, but I have discovered a blog that is not about politics or celebrities or celebrabies or wanton sex acts, but which is still so compelling that I HAD TO tell you about it. Plus, the author asked (really nicely) that I pass it on to all my friends in the hopes that I know someone who might help her ‘get discovered’ in a writerly kind of way. (As if)
The blog is called Wide Awake in Wonderland, and you can find it at https://wideawakeinwonderland.wordpress.com
It’s about life and travel and how people are idiots and once in a while it’s kind of funny.
Also, if you know anyone looking to pay big money for minimal talent, she asked that you send them her way (or mine).
I hope you enjoy it, and have a great weekend!
***YOUR NAME HERE***
And if you pass this on to 50 of your closest friends and everyone else you’ve ever managed to wheedle an e-mail address out of, your house will NOT burn down and Apple will send you $500 as reparations for all those songs you stupidly downloaded on iTunes while you were drunk.